Monday Blues

Which sounds douchey no doubt considering the rest of the world is popping champagne in celebration of a certain hide and seeker's death. Champagne that I will not be having a single sip of by the way!

I was just thinking in class --because that seems to be the only spare time I have to contemplate on things in my life-- and I realised how I'm not cut out for such a serious world. It feels like people in economics, to me, are drilled to care about the world, on how to make it a better place, economically speaking, about all sorts of government policies and the likes. That's not what I came there for. I thought that there were some other sociological aspects to it like how it influences the way civilisation moves and what not but also because I felt it had a better prospect than some of the other things that I wanted to do like being a starving hobo artist roaming the streets of junkie New York. But you know, if I could, I would tell myself from the past that it doesn't matter where you go to school --I mean it does to a certain extent-- but what really matters is that you find something that you're passionate about. Because even if you graduated from a world famous school but you hate what you do to the guts, there's really no point in doing it is there? Might as well use the money you spent on a journey of self dicovery through the Kazakh mountains.

I digress, what I meant was how I went in hoping that because it's a great faculty and department in a great university I would be able to come out with a safety net under me. Because I'm terrified of the working world, I'm terrified of rejection and to me, going here would have given me a guarantee to success. It's not true because if I have no idea on what it is that they want me to do then I'm basically a monkey with cymbals on a paycheck. And that is partly the truth, the class today was introduction to economics which is the core of my studies and I had no idea what the lecturer was talking about, how monetary and fiscal policies affect aggregate demand and supply and I can't imagine what anyone would be doing to need to know information like that. Do they just have too much time on their hands? What do BEs do when they graduate? Work in government, making policies that make no sense to the next generation or write books or teach? That's all I've gathered and I don't want to do a single one of those things. I mean, I don't know what I want but it's definitely not those.

In general, I just can't see myself staying sane when I have to deal with such serious things. Imagine if I had to speak in front of the world on the death of Osama Bin Laden, 'Oh as big as a triumph it may be for the United States, I believe it's a bigger triumph for him. Now he can finally enjoy those virgins' which doesn't sound very nice, it might be okay in places where nobody would take me seriously, which is just about every other place I'm in. I don't understand the whole war on terrorism not because I don't care for it or choose to un-inform myself for the sake of being anti-war but because I genuinely do not understand. I don't know what it means to the world now that he is dead, after all isn't he just another man? A symbol? What does that mean to terrorism? Nothing. But that doesn't seem to be what everybody else is thinking and even I would believe them over myself. When I heard the news I was overcome with 'now what' and it turns out that I'm more ecstatic that the two guys from The Flight of the Conchords made an appearance on The Simpsons! Which is troubling to hear from someone deriving from a generation famous by its ignorance.

Maybe that's just the type of person I am, a vain individual who is more concerned about trivial things that make no real contribution to the betterment of society. But I'm okay with being vain, it's been a part of me since I was born but there are always expectations from judgmental eyes that look at me, constantly waiting to be disappointed and both of us are too proud to fold from the game so we keep playing charades, I pretend to care about the serious aspects of the world and still hope to change the world through economics and they pretend that they still have expectations of me.