December ’10: How Statistic, Consumerism and Religion Ruined Christmas

Well technically since Christmas hasn't happened yet, it can't possibly have been ruined yet but it will be oh just you wait. I’m probably the last person to complain about Christmas being ruined because often times, I ruin it for other people. Why? Because being able to piss the hell out of everyone on Christmas is perhaps the greatest gift the universe can ever give me. Now, I care for people, I just don’t care for their happiness and wellbeing!

The exam schedule seems to be messed up this year, I’ve told you before how I still have more exams after Chrissy, maybe because we started the year a bit late or the fact that there were so many national holidays that everything either had to be pushed up or pushed down --no, that’s not supposed to make any sense. But I mean, a lot of other people have it worse, some still have exams up to New Year and start again on the 3^rd of January or you know.. living in the streets somewhere. So I figured out that the education system feeds on the misery of the people connected to it. I woke up this morning with a high apple pie in the sky until I remembered that I have yet to study for my statistic exam next week, I mean talk about Pi! As if it hasn’t been riding me down all year already! Sometimes when I see the poster of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, I see µ in Jim Carrey’s face’s place. That green little bastard…

But as if that’s not enough, I’ve been having guilt trips whenever I go to the mall. I would see all these people just doing their Christmas shopping and I’d be sitting there in the coffee shop, slurping my drink away with the money I could have used to buy other people mediocre gifts they’d sell at their next garage sale and people would be looking at me with shifty eyes. I can tell what they’re thinking, ‘oooh, look at that awful girl, sitting alone with no shopping bags in sight, she’s probably one of those scrooges who ruin Christmas’ truth or no, I didn’t like the tone in which their eyes said that. People accuse me of being cheap and inconsiderate. Is it inconsiderate that I don’t want to burden people with awkward moments after giving them a third Michael Bolton CD? See that’s the thing with gift giving, like Arrec Barrdwin’s character from 30 Rock said, it’s the purest form of friendship because if you can’t give them the perfect gift, then it shows what a crappy friend you truly are. I’d rather my friends not know that I’m a horrible friend, so birthdays, anniversaries, valentine’s: nothing. And again with the stares and cries of me being cheap. Take a look at it another way, maybe my gift is the greatest gift anyone can give to the world. People say cheap, I say SAYING NO TO CONSUMERISM.

Still, I don’t discourage people on spending naturally, just not for other people. It’s ridiculous to splurge on things you know they will just raincheck on, I mean geez, we are all in a terrible economic downfall. If you absolutely must give people something because your ‘conscience’ will die without it, make them something. Yeah, make them hideous, knitted sweaters with reindeers and your face on it so they can't return it or donate it to the Salvation Army, ask them why they’re not wearing it every time you go out despite it being 50 degrees (Celsius guys, get with the metric system) out there.

Another thing about malls, and this I read in the newspaper, is the overkill on Christmas décor that is offensive to people with other beliefs. Why would fat men in red suits and little people in elf costume offend people? Majority of our population consists of fat and little people --seriously no one is the right size here, what’s going on? Do we need Alice’s mushrooms? Then I remembered that Christmas is a religious thing here, it’s in fact not a symbol of consumerism as it is in other cultures. I keep getting it mixed up with X-Mas, I hate it when they try to put religion into everything! It's pretty crazy though, they get upset if we have Santas running around, they get upset when we have baby Jesuses running around, there's just no pleasing them, or the health department for that matter.

So if you didn’t read the article, it’s basically this conservative, religious group, MUI fearing Christianisation --which is apparently not a word, thank you obnoxious paper clip-- in Indonesia. Here is my favourite quote from the article:

Santa Claus is a symbol for “a certain faith.”

Damn straight it is! It’s a symbol for my faith. The belief that a fat man from the Arctic should have the right to break and enter into houses with children and eat all of their cookies, cookies that the children probably intended on eating the next day but now won’t be able to because he freaking ate them all, and not be arrested.

You know what, I can wish every year for world peace or for a utopia but the old chum hasn’t been very successful in making it happen has he? I realise that for a true utopia to exist, everyone --but me-- must die and though it would be nice to finally get some alone time, I need people to teach me statistic, be judgmental and saying stupid things in the media. So I’ll set the bar lower this year, making my Christmas wish to be something that should be easier to conjure: I wish for someone to find Osama Bin Laden already, preferably not himself.

Bitter Christmas wishes aside, here is a video of Eartha Kitt's Santa Baby. Because it's not Christmas without drag queens mouthing the words awfully. But first and foremost, it's never really Christmas without Ms Kitt, may her soul rest in peace..

Well, merry Christmas, hoes!