Sunsets

Watching the sun set makes me feel like I'm drowning in a tumultuous sea of emotions. It's beautiful, so beautiful it makes you want to cry and dance at the same time. It's sad because because it lasts only a few short minutes but when you look at it, it can also feel like forever. Or at least it's what I think forever feels like, I've never actually experienced it myself. The sky constantly changes during those short minutes, and one sunset is never quite like any other. I read an excerpt in a book by Seno Gumira Ajidarma where he talks about the temporariness of a sunset, and how many of the most beautiful things in life share that same trait. Do we value things highly because they can perish in a swift moment? Is that why sunsets haunt us with a mix of appreciation and joy and melancholy and sadness, deep, deep sadness that we often don't allow ourselves to feel?

I looked at the inside cover of the book and it felt like I had trespassed on something private, a memory, a shared moment that happened once upon a time. The cover had a handwriting which read a name, a date, and a place signifying a specific event or moment in time for this person. Something that they may want to remember and engrave in stone, or  something entirely opposite. Something that happened, something that could have felt like what lasted an instant eternity, something that isn't ever quite the same again. And then the wave hits me again. But in a way I love it, sometimes I love to feel an overwhelming surge of sadness and just drown in it until it goes away again, other times I dread every second and wish the waters could be still for one fucking minute. It feels nice to be granted the freedom to be genuinely sad about nothing in particular.

Then the sky turns dark and I'm left with the same uncertainty that would plague me each night. Like I'm lost again.