Procrastination induced reflection

Take a minute to step back and look where you are right now, look up and around. Think about how you feel in this exact moment. Think about the people you surround yourself with, what you like about them, what you hate about them. Think about why they've allowed you to become a part of their lives and why you've allowed them to be a part of yours. Now listen, what can you hear? I can hear the sound of the air conditioner humming, a plane flying in the distance, the clock behind me ticking, every once in a while a bird or two chirping from the little park a few houses away: all sounds that I normally dismiss as the ambience of silence. Be aware of your skin, what is it touching? What can you feel with the tips of your fingers? Can you feel a slight breeze brushing against it maybe? Or perhaps the firm desk as you press your hands upon it? I can feel the wool jacket scratch its fibres on my arm, every now and then they would scratch as I move from my constant breathing. Inhale, exhale.

What are you thinking now?

I'm thinking, and recently that's all I've been able to think of, about the biggest lie I tell myself: that someday I will find myself here again. That someday I can sit back in this chair, with the air conditioner humming and the clocks ticking and birds chirping while a plane flies over the roof of our suburban houses, and everything will be the same. I can return to this moment and redo the things that I told myself I'd do if the chance came by again. That if right now I wished to have gone out for a coffee but decided to stay here and write, I will find myself again in this chair, getting up for that coffee without having to think about what could have happened if I had stayed. But that will never happen, I will never be able to recreate this moment, I will not be able to feel the same way about life as life will not be able to feel the same way about me.

I am who I am, she was who I used to be and I will be what she used to be in the future. I will never come back.