patheticgirl43

Dear diary, I'm alone.. again...

I don't like complaining but I do anyway and I hate it. I feel like I have nothing to complain about, I have a roof over my head, there is always food on the table, I even get to go to school when there are others who would kill for my position --granted I was probably accepted for lawsuit evasion or some other bureaucratic nonsense but I'll take what I can get. My hands just keep typing even when I want it to stop and my mouth keeps rambling when I don't want to talk, and every motoric sense in my body is sending messages to my brain for it to find some justification point for my complaints. That it's me taking one for the team and being noble, that the world is unfair, that lady justice seems to always frown upon the sight of me but in reality I know I'm just lying to myself.

Speaking of lies, I have a certain issue that I can't deal with and I'm still pissed that I'm still so upset about it. I am so pissed that I don't even want to talk about it or remember that I feel that way but it seems to always come up in every single conversation I have. It sucks, people seem to forget that I have feelings too. It's like one mistake in my life is creating some epic domino effect that's beginning to take a toll on my emotional and psychological level. I don't like being mentally unstable, it's scary to think that you're not in the right mind to mind to decide anything anymore.

I had a conversation today that evolved to some deep 'where one sets the line between personal choice and the responsibility as a community' and it all rooted from a talk about religion. That's another lie I'm living. I'm so scared about the consequences of my thoughts in my society that I make sure that I erase every breadcrumbs I left along the way so no one knows how I feel about the things other people cling to with their very lives. The things my parents cling to and hope deep in their hearts that I would cling to as well.

Now I'm depressed because re-reading this, my life seems to was built upon a foundation of lies. But the truth? THE TRUTH? I can't handle the truth! My whole fucking existence is a lie! I wonder if anyone else has noticed this, not that they should because I don't pay anyone to be my therapist. Therapy is another lie, the only person who has authority over our mental state is ourselves, we shouldn't have to pay people to listen or fix us like the pipe under our sink. Maybe I shouldn't say that actually, lots of people will be out of a job then.

None of this will make sense tomorrow morning, then again you should give me credit, I'm dehydrated, tired, probably have tetanus in my hands after touching the poles in the bus and it's 1 am.

~patheticgirl43