The Sort of Vegetarian, but Not Really, Life

Not eating meat has proven to be rather difficult. If I had a penny for every time I broke my vow of never eating meat again, I'd get.. 5 cents maybe. It's really hard work to be able to eat something while picturing the sad eyes of cows whose brains are about to be blown up by a gun and then later, beheaded and mutilated further and then skinned and then transported in hygienically questionable vehicles for hours while the drivers sing 99 bottles of beers. But as the song progressed to the 76th bottle of beer, I had just swallowed what was perhaps the leg of a calf or it could very well be a rat, who can really tell these days? I think this newfound capability to be so apathetic towards animal cruelty might be what happens when they air CSI and Bones and NCIS during prime time or as I call it, crunch time, because you know.. that's when I eat. So after all these years of watching dehumanised corpses, rotting and all that blaugh while I eat my dinner has dulled my reflexes of barfing when I eat while seeing or hearing something revolting.

So basically, this is my confession. Forgive me father for I have sinned. Yesterday in the cafeteria, I ordered meatballs and then I ate those meatballs. They were so good, I had forgotten what heaven tasted like in my mouth. In my defense, you can never really be sure of what animal is in those meatballs. Hell, it might not even be an animal at all! It might be children, or cabbages, or cabbage patch kids. Anyway, after I finished eating it, I felt so drenched in guilt that I walked to the box for a charity and donated a few thousands. Calfie --that's what I decided to call the calf whose legs was chopped up in order for me to eat those meatballs, oh you would've loved him! He was a calf-about-town who drove a cab for high end, lonely, 30 something dairy cows and charms them into his pants only to realise later that he's spent most of his life chasing an illusion of youth and discovers that he will spend the rest of his life alone, a life that as we know was taken from him when the butcher cut his leg and served it as meatballs-- that donation was in your name! All the people that bill managed to save is thanks to you, buddy. Bop, bop, you're a champ!

And then there was that time I ate a burger. The whole time I was eating it, I was telling myself that pigs are magical creatures that can feel no pain --almost like turkeys! You have to understand just how difficult it was so say that --in my mind-- over the 'babe.. pah pah, pah pah, pah pah I got you babe' that kept playing like that one song they always play in every discotheques (do they even call it that anymore?) in town. Obnoxious. But I'm despicable.

You're probably wondering why I wrote this here, well actually, I originally wrote this as a speech I could say in a confession booth but then I remembered I'm not Catholic so...

Calfie, anonymous pig, you will forever be engraved in my memories.. also in my faeces.