Internal Narration

I lay on the floor with a thin bed cover wrapped around my body. How I managed to wrap myself in such a way that my arms, tight over my chest, could no longer move became somewhat of a mystery to me. Thoughts of self-defeat, hatred and disgust began brewing in my head. Usually as soon as that process started, there was no sense in trying to end it until it decides for itself to stop.

How did it get to this? Fuck, fuck, fuck. What is wrong with you? Fuck!

I was staring at the floor next to me, at the creases of the fake wooden panels, at the shadow cast by the small stool over it, at nothing in particular when the door knocked. Three rapid knocks like any other. I said nothing. Then came three more knocks and a voice. Her voice. My eyes were fixated on the shadow again.

Maybe she’ll think I was asleep and leave in a second.

She kept knocking. More and more and more knocking, each more frantic than the one before it. She called out my name. She’d said it in a way that made it sound inquisitive, like a question. Only it wasn’t a question, it was one word, and I didn’t know what she meant by it. What did the tone imply? What did she mean to ask? What does she want to know? How should I answer back?

“Are you okay?” Her voice called out, this time louder than the previous times, making sure anyone in the room would hear it, asleep or awake.

I said nothing. I felt the shadow shift even though the only source of light was completely stationary.

“Yes.” I finally called back. It became more and more difficult to try to ignore her presence.

What impression was I looking to leave on her? How did I want her to think I was? Did the worry contained in each quiver in her voice give me any sense of satisfaction? What did I think I was going to do?

I said nothing.

She said nothing.

“No.” I hesitated. “I need your help.”

Again, she said nothing but I could feel her against the door, trying to listen. I don’t know how I knew that but I did.

“Please.”

A pause. Silence. The shadow remained still.

“Okay. What do you need?” She said slowly, calmly, in that way one would talk when something was currently in shambles but would eventually be okay.

“I accidentally locked myself in." I began, "And now I really need to go to the bathroom"