On Purpose, Happiness and Grief

If the key to finding ourselves is not to search outwards but inwards because the self is within us, how do we know that the self we find in ourselves are really our selves and not some cheap knock-off of someone else's self?

I've been reading a few writings on happiness and the many arguments people have offered regarding the purpose of life. They more or less say the same thing, that the purpose of life is to do as much good and to help others, and to contribute the least evil to the world as possible. But if that's true then what use is our sense of individuality? Why do we keep preoccupying ourselves with questions like, "who am I?" or "why am I here?" If all that matters in life is that we helps those around us, what need do we have to answer those questions and in defining our self and identity. But it does mean a lot doesn't it? At least to us. The second we feel like our identities have been questioned it feels as though our world is falling apart internally. Who we are should mean something to us. Right?

What does it really mean though to be someone? Why does it also feel so important for us to distinguish ourselves from everybody else? Like we have to constantly prove to ourselves or whoever that we're all different, unique, special. Prove this sense of individuality. If there were no such things as I or you, would our lives cease to bear essence?

And then there's the whole question of 'doing good' and 'helping others'. What are we actually trying to help them accomplish and how are we supposed to do that exactly? What would come of our goodness, would they simply live longer? Sustain longer? Why would they need that? Why would any of us need that? What's the point of life if there's really nothing to desire out of it. And we're not helping them attain happiness. That simply can't be so, because that would suggest that they already know what makes them happy and the only way someone can know that is if they knew themselves. How can we know ourselves when self has never been of any consequence to truly live under this purpose? If there is essentially no need for a self and there should never really be a need for that, considering the ultimate goal and purpose to life is as self-less as contributing as much good and helping as many people in the world.

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That was a thought that randomly popped into my head this morning after I randomly watched Matt Stone and Trey Parker's animations of Alan Watts' lectures. What a bunch of baloney (my thoughts, that is) I sound like the most obnoxious little shit.

I'm afraid of being unhappy and that constant fear is making me unhappy. Do you think sometimes whether you will regret many things when you're lying in your deathbed? A relative of mine passed away today, she's been sick for a long time but I didn't know. I didn't know much about her or her family save from the house they lived in because we would often visit when we're in town. I knew she wasn't well but I never thought she was this unwell. It's strange, you know? I'm not going to walk around and say how much I'll miss her because I knew her so well or whatever, because that would be a lie. I know nothing about her life or struggles, and quite possibly it was all because I didn't really want to know because I'm afraid it would inconvenience me in one way or another. If she were still here, would I have tried to get to know her? Do I deserve to feel regret or grief? Does that make me a cold person? I guess in a way it's much nicer to feel what I'm feeling right now than the deep loss those close to her must feel. I wonder if I'm human at all. I wonder if she was happy.